Love is Messy

Love is Messy

I have previously written about unconditional love and how difficult it is to both  accept such love and to practice it.  At the possible risk of repeating some of what I previously wrote I will share some thoughts about how messy love is. 

If we accept the thinking of Thomas Merton expressed in the following quote, loving is very simple.

“The beginning of love is the will to let those we love be perfectly themselves, the resolution not to twist them to fit our own image. If in loving them we do not love what they are, but only their potential likeness to ourselves, then we do not love them: we only love the reflection of ourselves we find in them”

― Thomas Merton, No Man Is an Island  on goodreads.com

In the past few days I have talked to several people who have been acutely angry and/or disappointed in the behavior of others. In fact a couple of people have expressed strong disappointment in some of my recent behavior.  Not surprisingly, there seems to be a common set of assumptions regarding our relationship with others and ourselves.  Some of these are:

·      If I am kind and generous to another person they will respond with kindness and generosity.

·      It they do not respond with kindness and generosity then that means that they are selfish, self centered, bad people.

·      All of we humans have free will. Despite the increased acceptance of mental illness, addiction and just the fact that many factors affect how we see, hear or experience something or someone, we “know” that people are behaving the way they are because they are responding to my behavior and still deciding to be unkind.
   
·      Perhaps if I treat them badly now they will realize the errors of their ways or will at least know how badly I am hurt.

·      We would never behave as badly or as unkindly or be as unappreciative as they are.  I have no idea of what those other so called spiritual kooks are talking about when they say that we most hate those who mirror our own behavior. I never behave that way.

·      Thomas Merton and others of his ilk are wrong. I do not love others only if they reflect the qualities I like about myself.

Let us now examine these one by one. 

1.   If I am kind enough to another person they will respond with kindness and generosity.   This assumes that they experienced my behavior as kind and generous.  There are many reasons why that might not be the case. Perhaps the person is so fearful of being mistreated that they think I am only appearing to be kind and generous because I want others to think I care when I really do not. Perhaps the other person is physically, emotionally or spiritually in that lower level space, which, as Maslow suggests, only allows for focusing on one’s own needs and cannot consider or think about the other person.  Perhaps the other person has been so traumatized that they mistrust all kindness and find it “safer” to just assume that the other is secretly a mean person pretending to be kind.

2.   It they do not respond with kindness and generosity then that means that they are selfish, self centered, bad people.  It is true that they may be self-centered right now as we all are at times.  Yesterday I was so exhausted after having only a brief amount of sleep the night before that I had to try to force myself to even be present.  I am sure that if I went several days without sleep I would find it really hard to be the person I want to be.  Perhaps the other person is dealing with a diagnosed or undiagnosed medical or emotional condition which does not allow them to think if terms of being kind or unkind. 

3.   All of we humans have free will. Despite the increased acceptance of mental illness, addiction and the fact that many factors affect how we see, hear or experience something or someone, we “know” that people are behaving the way they are because they are responding to my behavior and still deciding to be unkind.  I and many others have written extensively on the subject of the illusion of free will. Many, many factors affect the ability of any of us to have a particular thought which we might think is logical.  Just the number of factors which affect the production or availability of a particular chemical involved in what we like to refer to the thought process are too numerous to mention. We have to also remember that the human mind is part of an interactional system within the body and within the larger context of a family, community, etc. It is true that it sometimes feels as if I am an able to make a decision and follow through with a certain behavior. I did make a conscious decision to sit down and write this blog.  Yet, any number of factors may have made it difficult and even impossible for me to do that.

4.   Perhaps if I treat them badly now they will realize the errors of their ways or will at least know how badly I am hurt.  It may occasionally be true that if I ignore, hit, or in some other way “punish” the other person they will have an ah ha moment, feel remorse, apologize and we can resume or past loving relationships. More thank likely, however, they will now feel justified in their former opinion that one is the reason for their behavior. Besides at this point being mean seldom, in my experience, communicates love, Fifty Shades of Grey notwithstanding.

5.   We would never behave as badly or as unkindly or be as unappreciative as they are.  I have no idea of what those other so called spiritual kooks are talking about when they say that we most hate those who mirror our own behavior. I never behave that way.  On yes!  My “sin’ of self righteousness or my fear of seeing my own humanness.   We, of course, know or think we know our intentions.  We “assume” others realize and appreciate out intentions also.  Our intentions are always kind. Well, perhaps not always kind or…   Both in my personal relationships and my professional relationships others have heard or experienced something I did as very unkind either because some part of me was really angry or because of something going on with them.  A number of times, in my role as a parent, my son experienced some behavior of mine as controlling which was not even close to the motive I was assigning my behavior!  More than once I have said something to a client, which they heard as mean, or unkind which I really did not mean to be heard that way! If truth were told there was a time or two when I was feeling unkind toward that bank blank client!!! I am not proud of that but honesty requires that I admit this!!  I sometimes have very mean thoughts!!

6.   Thomas Merton and others of his ilk are wrong. I do not love others just if they reflect the qualities I like about myself.  Well, the truth is that I am most familiar and comfortable with my own values and behavior. Sure I can appreciate someone with different talents, but I most appreciate and love those who think and behave as I think I do.  My reality may be much different than I perceive it to  be or than other people experience it.

My advice to all of us is to expect love to me messy. We are all going to find it difficult to love regardless of how the other person(s) behave. We are all going to have to lovingly adjust our expectations of self and others. We are either going to adjust the pre-written script in our head of how the relationship is “supposed” to go or be very miserable because others are not following the script I have written